Practically surgery eve

I'm about 36 hours from surgery and the mix of emotions cannot be adequately described.  I am determined that I will fully recover from my surgery but at the same time I fear that I will be living with cancer the rest of my life.  The dichotomy of  'living with cancer' is a challenge because its supposed to kill you, particularly Pancreatic cancer.  And would it be so bad if I lived and still had cancer?  Yes and no - I really don't want to fight this for the rest of my life - I believe that I am supposed to do something more important.  I have been given a challenge and its has not become clear as to what the road that I'm traveling will look like.  So, I have to reflect upon all of the things that have happened and the most significant thing is clear - I have been supported by an army of people praying for me.  I have to believe that those prayers will create a force that will help my surgery team to cut the cancer out of me and that I will then (at some point) be provided with clarity of purpose.

The support of so many prayers over the course of the past 5 months has buoyed me so many times.  At my lowest point:  my exhaustion, the pain, the discomfort, the fear, through it all I have felt the power of those prayers as source of strength.  At this point, just before my surgery, I will draw on that force to support me in these hours.  Confession = I'm a control freak.  I like to know what is coming next, to be prepared, to know how to respond and the uncertainty of not knowing until after the surgery is really bothering me.  Part of me would like to be awake when the surgeon places the camera in me and looks around and finds no cancer other that what is in the tumor and then be able to say 'good, now put me out' for the rest of the surgery.  I don't like that I am going to have to get through the few hours of surgery out cold and then have to ask.  Shouldn't I be the first to know?  Its is my body after all.  But that's not how it works.  So I have to have faith that my surgical team, with all of the education, training and experience will successfully perform my surgery and then I will find out that the cancer was fully contained in the tumor.  The last CT scan did not portray any more shrinkage but did show that the nature of the tumor changed - it was more benign than malignant = more progress.

It really is all about faith, the power of prayer, the strength of positive thinking the feel of those vibes being sent that have buoyed me along on this journey with cancer.  I have to continue to have faith that all of that power will continue in my healing because I am soooo close.  36 more hours and the cancer will be cut out of me and I will be healing.  I will have a nasty scar.  I'm thinking about a tattoo, don't tell my mother!  But still thinking - not sure I want to inflict any more pain.  And that does not give either of my children permission to get a tattoo!  One of the men I work with said in September on the first day of school "I don't know what cancer thought, when it messed with you".  Those are the thoughts I'm focusing on now - I am going to kick cancer's ass!  And with your help I will be cancer free!

Thanks for all of your support, cards, prayers, positive thoughts and vibes - they have worked.  I'm going to tell my surgical team that they have so many people praying for them that they will also feel it.  My gratitude is beyond description.  Keep it coming - its working!!!