One month ago today: September 21

One month ago today we received a phone call telling us that a biopsy of what was called a cyst was positive for Pancreatic Cancer.  Utter disbelief is one phrase to describe my reaction the other was denial.  Since then, though, so much has happened and much of it good, that my denial is gone.

The denial gets knocked out of you pretty quickly when you start chemotherapy.  Two weeks ago,  I woke up my regular time and went to school.  The response as I signed in at the front desk of my high school, Summit High School, was a mix of 'what the hell are you doing here' to 'best of luck today' to 'I thought you had chemo today'.  I had enough time to teach two classes before I had to leave.  I really believe that only if you are a teacher, can you understand the need to be with your students and make it all seem normal because I had yet to tell them that I had cancer.  It was important to me to let them know that chemo wasn't going to stop me because they would find out eventually. My plan was to wait until Back to School Night and tell their parents first.  It was also important for me to be with my students - its hard to explain - but you get a certain kind of energy in the classroom.  Its empowering to know that you can send them the message that the world goes on and you can still remain a part of it.  They appreciate that you are with them and you can feel that.  So its important.

We arrived at a surgery center in Westfield to have a port installed in my chest.  At this point my anxiety level was at its peak.  The nurses, technicians and surgeon are all so kind and ask you the same questions and it kind of makes you annoyed because you have cancer and there is nothing kind about what is going to happen today.  As I was getting on the table the surgeon informed me that they would drape me so I couldn't see anything, numb me so I couldn't feel anything and medicate me to relax me.  Then he informed me that he would be telling me step by step everything he would be doing, at that point I had had enough.  I responded with (warning) "I don't want to hear or know a fucking thing".  There was dead silence but I could hear the technician trying to squelch his laughter - I appreciated that.  The procedure was over in a few minutes and I had this thing sticking out of my chest just over my right breast and a tube running over my collar bone, both were bandaged.  It was sore and uncomfortable immediately.  But off to Sloan Kettering in Basking Ridge we went.

The place is like an office building rather than a medical facility which is nice.  After blood tests and a short wait, we were lead into a room of fancy cubicles where everyone is receiving chemo.  About 100 people.  Before the nurse hooked up a series of 4 bags of chemo I told Tom that we had to pray.  Tom, Patrick and I held hands and prayed, I was scared.  Their hands felt so strong and reassuring.  It just doesn't feel good, it feels like poison, there is no other way to describe it.  I was wrapped in a prayer shawl crocheted by a cousin, I help onto a wooden cross given to me by a dear friend for comfort throughout.  We got to the last bag, 15 minutes in, I had a reaction and they stopped the chemo and gave me an antidote, I had a reaction to that, they had to wait until it wore off before starting again.  It took about 4 1/2 hours to finish which they said was ok for my first time.

Over the next 2 days, I threw up a few times, felt like I had the flew, didn't eat much, could not sleep and then finally slept.  It took me 4 days to recover enough to go to work.  Those 3 days of work were hard as I was light headed, puked every day and just felt lousy.  Through it all though was a feeling that I was being held up by some invisible force.  During the course of the week, people kept reaching out, cards arrived, emails, phone calls, all telling me about who was praying for me.  That invisible force was strong!  It was the power of prayer!  I felt better every day. I napped at work, I napped at home, I ate little bit more each day but it was the power of prayer that made me feel that little bit better every day.

I have Catholic parishes, Presbyterian congregations, The Jesuits of NYC, The Christian Brothers of Baltimore, Prayer groups all over!  And I can feel it, it conveys a sense of peace which helps me sleep as well as function during the day.  The most important thing is that it gives me confidence that even though the chemo will be hard and I will feel lousy and sick there is an army of people that are pounding heaven with prayers which will give me strength. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed with the love that I cry for joy.  When you have children, you know that your life will never be the same, but its a happy never be the same. Cancer is not that way - its an angry never be the same.  I feel like I am in a boxing ring, in the fight of my life and the entire audience is on my side.  The bookies may be betting against me but they are going to lose their money because I am going to win!  Cancer has met its match.   I have the best Oncologist and Surgeon on my side with the best training and equipment.  I have the power of prayer on MY side - cancer can't beat that.  So tomorrow is my second round of chemo.  I had a great week this week, I'm going in strong.  I'm ready for Round 2 - are you ready to rumble???!!!!